Thief! Stealing our marriage (Post by Kenny)

The following post is the second of several by my husband, Kenny. Thanks for reading! ~Alyson

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Having a loved one that has CFS is like being ripped off. This disease affects everything. And when I say everything I mean “EVERYTHING”. The emotions that I have and the quality of life are not even close to that of what Alyson has to go through. The tears and isolation that she endures is something that I compassionately and sadly endure with her. But, that does not neglect the point that this disease has stolen a lot from our marriage.

It is not an isolated disease that just affects one person, but robs the whole family of life. We don’t get to go on walks, workout together, go to parks or other physical activities without major consequences. Instead of having Alyson crash and burn, we limit, almost to non-existent our activities. Weekends are for recovery from long weekdays.

Please, if you don’t have CFIDS and are thinking that you do the same, wake up! You choose to lie around on the weekends without any action. Alyson is forced by having no energy. Completely different, not even comparable, don’t even go there!

If you really want to test the strength of your love and your commitment towards your spouse, try having one with this disease. Alyson does her best to help out, go on dates, and do some chores along with anything else she can muster the energy for. Even with sacrifice, her life along with mine is being high jacked. Stolen are the basic enjoyments for couples to enjoy one another. Things that too many couples take for granted. Not truly enjoying that walk with your wife, or that weekend drive through the country? That is a shame. Unfortunately, we don’t get that privilege along with many others.

I am not looking for sympathy, but I am trying to express the seriousness of this life altering disease. It does not just smack one person in the face; this illness spits, steals, mocks and walks away leaving an entire family in a ditch looking for some help. When other loved ones don’t fully acknowledge this, they too are kicking dirt in the ditch. Please don’t bury family and friends that are suffering. Having this disease is isolating enough that they don’t need any added misery.

A Case of the Blah's

I usually do a good job keeping my spirits up, but today I had a bad case of the "blah's." Every few months or so I have a pity party and feel sorry for myself. It's hard being sick all the time, and sometimes it just gets to me.

A good cry usually helps.

I occasionally cry when I just feel really ill. (I'm sick of being sick and tired of being tired is a favorite line of mine. Then there's always, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.) Other times I cry because of all that I have lost or missed out on (e.g. health, opportunities, time with family or friends, living life). Sometimes I cry out of frustration or because being sick is "not fair" to me or my husband. Mostly I cry because of some combination of the above reasons.

Today I cried about my marriage.

My husband Kenny is a wonderful person and loves me very much, but I know that my illness puts a strain our marriage. The physical aspect of our marriage is certainly affected. Kenny also does more than his share of the cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. He is even my nurse when I'm not feeling well. To make up for my lack of physical assistance in doing housework, I am in charge of all our financial paperwork like paying the bills, balancing the checkbook, planning for our retirement, and filing our taxes.

Still, my illness is not fair to my husband.

I am aware of the statistic that most marriages involving someone with chronic illness end in divorce. I've even met some of these people. Every once in a while, the fear that Kenny will leave me because I am too much of a burden pops into my head. I know I am not being entirely rational because we actually have a very strong, supportive marriage, but I suppose fear is not always rational.

I think what gives our marriage an edge is because my husband and I met when I was at my sickest, so I am doing really well compared to six years ago. Acting on suggestions from other people with CFIDS, we've also made some life adjustments to make our lives a little easier (most notably, we've invested in a twice-a-month housecleaning service). Another important life choice is that Kenny has a couple of hobbies that are all his own: working out at the gym and photographing nature (including snakes and alligators!).

Kenny held me while I cried and spoke comforting words. I'm feeling much better now.