Saturday, June 13, 2009

A Case of the Blah's

I usually do a good job keeping my spirits up, but today I had a bad case of the "blah's." Every few months or so I have a pity party and feel sorry for myself. It's hard being sick all the time, and sometimes it just gets to me.

A good cry usually helps.

I occasionally cry when I just feel really ill. (I'm sick of being sick and tired of being tired is a favorite line of mine. Then there's always, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.) Other times I cry because of all that I have lost or missed out on (e.g. health, opportunities, time with family or friends, living life). Sometimes I cry out of frustration or because being sick is "not fair" to me or my husband. Mostly I cry because of some combination of the above reasons.

Today I cried about my marriage.

My husband Kenny is a wonderful person and loves me very much, but I know that my illness puts a strain our marriage. The physical aspect of our marriage is certainly affected. Kenny also does more than his share of the cooking, cleaning, and grocery shopping. He is even my nurse when I'm not feeling well. To make up for my lack of physical assistance in doing housework, I am in charge of all our financial paperwork like paying the bills, balancing the checkbook, planning for our retirement, and filing our taxes.

Still, my illness is not fair to my husband.

I am aware of the statistic that most marriages involving someone with chronic illness end in divorce. I've even met some of these people. Every once in a while, the fear that Kenny will leave me because I am too much of a burden pops into my head. I know I am not being entirely rational because we actually have a very strong, supportive marriage, but I suppose fear is not always rational.

I think what gives our marriage an edge is because my husband and I met when I was at my sickest, so I am doing really well compared to six years ago. Acting on suggestions from other people with CFIDS, we've also made some life adjustments to make our lives a little easier (most notably, we've invested in a twice-a-month housecleaning service). Another important life choice is that Kenny has a couple of hobbies that are all his own: working out at the gym and photographing nature (including snakes and alligators!).

Kenny held me while I cried and spoke comforting words. I'm feeling much better now.

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